5 Ways Working Outside of the Home Has Made Me a Better Mom

Disclaimer: My intention is not at all to say that you need to work outside of the home for these things to be achieved. I am a firm believer that the most important work a person can do is within the walls of their own home. I work outside of the home so little that I still consider myself a stay-at-home mom. And stay-at-home mom's? They rock. Working feels like a break to me because being responsible for another human being's every need 24/7 is hard.  My only intention in writing this was to point out some of the less obvious benefits of working outside of the home and how it has changed me personally.

I adore staying at home with Noah, but a few months ago I started to get a little itch to re-enter the workforce. I wanted more adult interaction (especially since our move to a new town where we don't know anyone), to contribute to our family's finances, and to keep myself in the game, so to speak, for the sake of my future educational and career goals.  I was so lucky to find a job that I love, that allows me to use my degree, and that only requires me to work 10-15 hours a week. I work afternoons and evenings, so Noah spends a few hours at our house with a babysitter he loves, and then spends the other few hours with Josh. I love that I'm still home with him 90% of the time and that I also get to work. I have the best of both worlds and, although it's always hard to leave Noah, this setup has been beneficial for our family in a few ways:

1) I use my time more wisely. Knowing that my time with Noah is limited motivates me to really utilize our time together well. We're doing more reading, playing, singing, park time, and finger painting together. Having more restrictions on my time has also made me more productive/efficient in terms of my household responsibilities.

2) The additional income will allow us to pay off our student loans and save for a down payment on a house more quickly. There are so many things a child needs to function optimally and quality time is at the top of the list. I also want to provide my children with opportunities to play sports, visit museums, and take family vacations. I  want them to live in a comfortable home in a safe area, and I'd love to help them pay for college. All of these things will be more easily achieved with additional income.

3) My time at work is teaching me how to more effectively interact with and teach children. I'm learning about how to reinforce and shape behavior. I'm learning how to teach children about emotions, social skills, responsibility, family dynamics, problem solving and so much more and I think that this experience is preparing me to be a better mother to Noah as he grows.

4) I want Noah to see me as someone who works hard, treats people well, and helps those who are less fortunate. I work with underserved, low-income children with mental illnesses. I'm helping them. I'm teaching them. My time with them requires a significant amount of patience and empathy and I like the example that I'm setting for Noah by doing this job, even though he's not yet old enough to understand it.

5) The division of household responsibilities is more equal than it was prior to me working. I felt resentment at how much of the house work I did, and although it was totally fair because I was the one staying at home, I still hated it. Since I've started working, Josh has had to take on more around the house, and it's been beneficial to our marriage and family because that resentment has been totally eliminated.

Productivity in Motherhood

Nothing gets done around here during the day. Absolutely nothing. I've decided there are three reasons for this: 1) I didn't choose to be a stay-at-home mom so that I could spend all day cleaning my house. I stay home so that I can spend time with Noah; 2) Even if I do want to get something done, he hates being laid down and left alone. He likes action, people, being held...he's not the type of baby that likes to just chill alone. Maybe this will change when he starts crawling?; and 3) He's not a great napper.

Who, me?

Everything on my to-do list is done after bedtime. 7 PM is go time. For example, last night after Noah went to bed, I tackled an overflowing sink of dishes, did 3 loads of laundry, went grocery shopping, did 30 minutes of HIIT at the gym, showered, pumped, spent some time with Josh, and made almost 20 oz of baby food.

I'm always amazed by moms who have perfectly clean houses, run errands with children in tow, and have a multiple-dish meal made when their husband gets home from work. That's so not us. Maybe I'm still getting the hang of things? Regardless, without those few hours after bedtime, we'd be a train wreck around here.

My Life 5 Years From Now

In 5 years I hope to be...
Growing my family. One, maybe two more babies.

Working outside of the home. A flexible, maybe part time job that would allow me to contribute financially, use my education, and still be home with my kids most of the time would be ideal.

A better wife. I couldn't even begin to tell you how much room there is for growth in this aspect of my life. It's something I'm always aware of and working on.

A homeowner. I dream of buying a fixer-upper and DIYing the whole thing.

Financially stable. We're out of the poor student, living on loans phase and into the employed, real-world phase of our lives. I'm excited to start paying off student loans, saving, resume contributing to our 401k's, etc.

A good mom with my own identity. 95% of my time, effort and energy is put into making sure that Noah gets the best. These last 7 months, I've made it a point to take time for myself by doing things like working out or going shopping after he goes to bed at night. I hope that as our family grows I continue to recognize the importance of taking care of myself, having hobbies totally unrelated to motherhood, and pursuing my own goals.

Having a blast. Because, otherwise, what's the point?


Linking up with Becky of From Mrs. to Mama!

Baby Love

I was 20 weeks pregnant. My family was in town and we had just learned the day before that the sweet baby I was carrying was a boy. It felt so good to know what our little family would look like come November. It felt real, and I felt even more connected to him. Around this time we had also discovered that I had a shortened cervix, which put some limitations on my activity and would require me to have biweekly ultrasounds.

19 Weeks

After spending all day visiting family friends, we came back to our apartment and I started preparing dinner. That's when the cramping started. I tried to ignore it but it kept getting worse. I have this thing where I don't like for people (even my family) to see me cry or struggle in any way. It's a major flaw. So, I went into our bedroom so that I could panic and cry privately. Josh followed me in and asked what was going in. He told me to rest and that he would make dinner and we decided to call the doctor. We left a message, I pulled myself together and we went back out to join my family. 

The doctor called back and told me to head to triage immediately. By this time, about an hour had passed since the cramping had started and the worry had been building. I absolutely lost it. Like, crying so hard that I couldn't talk, or breathe, head in my hands and tears falling to the floor. It was at that moment that I realized how much I loved this baby, this tiny little person who I had never met or seen. Everyone says that you don't understand love until you have a child, and it's really true. The thought of losing him was unbearable. I don't think my parents or brothers had ever seen me like that, and I think it scared them.

Obviously, things turned out perfectly, but my pregnancy involved hospitalization, medication, lots of monitoring, and 16 weeks of some form of bedrest or activity restriction. Thinking back to that night makes me realize how thankful I am for a healthy baby and for the opportunity he has given me to love in a way that I never knew was possible. I love you, little man. You are the light of my life and I will forever be grateful to be your mom.

Advice to My Pre-Baby Self

I was given plenty of advice when I was pregnant, but there was something that nobody told me, something that I needed to hear: Believe in your ability to be the type of parent you want to be. You're absolutely capable. When I talked about wanting to read to Noah daily or give him a massage as part of our nightly routine, I heard, "You'll be far too exhausted to do those types of things". When someone asked what our birth plan was and I shared that we were planning to do it with no medication or interventions, they laughed and told me that I'd be begging for an epidural the second labor started. I'd mention wanting to make my own baby food or wanting to avoid "crying it out" and get equally negative responses."Just you wait", they would say.

Here we are, six months into motherhood. I've made plenty of mistakes, but I do the things I said I would. I'm the type of parent I planned on being before Noah arrived, and I don't think that makes me unique. If I had to give any piece of advice to an expectant mom, I'd tell her what I wanted so desperately to hear six months ago: You can be the type of parent you want to be. Believe in yourself. You're totally capable.

Easy

I was 21 years old and newly married. Josh and I were both going to school full-time, working full-time, and we both had church callings. He was studying for the LSAT and we were figuring out which law schools we wanted him to apply to. We were living in an old house that always seemed to have something wrong with it in a sketchy area. We lived there in order to save money so that we could pay off my car and save as much as possible in preparation for law school, which we knew would cost a significant amount of money.

I remember feeling really overwhelmed with responsibility at this phase of my life, especially as I paid attention to my co-workers and classmates who were around my age. Many of them were going to school or working, but not both. None of them were dealing with the challenges of the first year of marriage. They weren't concerned about an LSAT score or impending six-figure student loan debt. At the time I felt like it was a lot to handle at 21.

Packing up to that very old house to move for law school, 2010

I look back at that time now and realize how easy things were then. Our life now is the best it's ever been, but it involves more work and more responsibility.  It's more challenging. The funny thing is that when I was struggling with feelings of being overwhelmed at 21, I would think, "Wow, a few years ago things were so easy and I didn't even realize it".  My point here is that as we pursue new goals and take on additional responsibilities, life is obviously going to get harder. When I'm feeling challenged or overwhelmed, I need to remind myself to appreciate how much easier my life is now than I imagine it will be in a few years when we have more children, a house, additional financial responsibilities, and Josh spends more time away from home. One day, when we look back at this time in our lives, we're going to realize how simple it really was. I just want to appreciate that simplicity now, while I'm living it, instead of focusing my attention on the challenges we're currently facing.

Becoming a Mother

"The most difficult part of birth is the first year afterwards. It is the year of travail when the soul of a woman must birth the mother inside of her. The emotional labor pains of becoming a mother are far greater than the physical pangs of birth. These are the growing surges of your heart as it pushes out selfishness and fear and makes room for sacrifice and love. It is a private and silent birth of the soul, but no less holy than the event of childbirth. Perhaps it is even more sacred." -Joy Kusek

Although a little mushy, I almost cried when I read this. Being a mom is the best thing I've ever done, even though I'm only 4 months into it. It's challenging. It's rewarding. I love taking care of Noah. I love that I get to spend all day with him. I'm obsessed with his smile and the little personality that is slowly emerging. I feel like this, what I'm doing right now, is what matters most. It's what life is all about.

I've been surprised, though, by how often I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. I didn't realize how complicated caring for a baby could be...or maybe I make it more complicated than it needs to be. Is he hungry? Overfed? Is he tired? Is it reflux? Is he bored? Overstimulated? Why isn't he sleeping? Too light? Wrong type of white noise? Should I have used a different swaddle blanket? I'm asking myself questions like this every day. I spend a lot of my free time reading books, scouring websites, trying to figure out what I can do to make sure that Noah is getting the best of everything...that I'm doing everything right.

I'm not making monumental mistakes here. I just feel like my standards are so high that feelings of guilt and inadequacy are inevitable. I guess I'm still trying to figure out how to be a good mom without setting impossibly high standards. How to balance Noah's needs with my own. How to accept that mistakes are inevitable. I guess it just feels good to know that it's all part of the process.

Knocked Up

A year ago today, we found out I was pregnant with our little bambino. It was only our second month of trying but I wanted a baby so badly. The morning of the 20th, I woke up because I heard Josh leaving for school and I took a test. I was super sleepy, so when a second line hadn't appeared after a couple of minutes, I tossed it into the trash can and went back to bed.

A few hours later, I went into the bathroom and noticed that the test, lying face up in the trash can, had a faint second line. I wasn't sure if it was even valid still because of how many hours had passed. I had class all day but spent every break I had on the internet trying to figure out if a second line  even meant anything a few hours after the test had been taken. Most of what I read said it was valid. I was so excited but trying to contain myself because I didn't want to get my hopes up.

After Josh and I  both got home from school, I told him what had happened and that I was going to take another test. He rolled his eyes and told me I was crazy (to say I'd had a few "OMG I swear I'm pregnant" moments throughout our almost-three year marriage would be a massive understatement). Because of that previous maybe-positive, I took 2 tests, a digital and a regular. A girl needs to know for sure, right?

After going downstairs and distracting myself for a few minutes, I returned to the bathroom to two lines and a 'Pregnant'. I looked back and forth between the two in absolute disbelief and yelled downstairs, "Josh....it's positive! It's positive!!!!" He kept his voice calm, saying something like, "Well, now, let's take a look", but I could hear him tripping over things and sprinting up the stairs...obviously not at all calm.

Before I knew it he was standing next to me, looking at the two tests. "Am I delusional? Am I seeing things? Do you see what I see? Two lines? Pregnant? Do you see it? Am I crazy?" flew out of my mouth. I don't remember what he said, or if he said anything at all. I just remember him looking at me, with happy tears in his eyes, and then hugging me. And we spent the next couple of weeks in a happy daze, feeling like it was just too good to be true. And a year later, we look at little Noah, happy, healthy, smiling, growing, bringing so much joy to our lives, and it still feels too good to be true.

First ultrasound at 9 weeks