AF Canyon Half Marathon

Went to bed at 11 PM. Woke up at 3 AM. Bus took us to the top of the canyon. Race started at 6. Mile 10 sucked and then I got a second wind. Finished in 2:13:07(chip time's different from clock time at finish). I'm happy with how it went considering 1)it was harder to find time and energy to train this time around and 2)I had a baby 7 months ago.

Baby Love

I was 20 weeks pregnant. My family was in town and we had just learned the day before that the sweet baby I was carrying was a boy. It felt so good to know what our little family would look like come November. It felt real, and I felt even more connected to him. Around this time we had also discovered that I had a shortened cervix, which put some limitations on my activity and would require me to have biweekly ultrasounds.

19 Weeks

After spending all day visiting family friends, we came back to our apartment and I started preparing dinner. That's when the cramping started. I tried to ignore it but it kept getting worse. I have this thing where I don't like for people (even my family) to see me cry or struggle in any way. It's a major flaw. So, I went into our bedroom so that I could panic and cry privately. Josh followed me in and asked what was going in. He told me to rest and that he would make dinner and we decided to call the doctor. We left a message, I pulled myself together and we went back out to join my family. 

The doctor called back and told me to head to triage immediately. By this time, about an hour had passed since the cramping had started and the worry had been building. I absolutely lost it. Like, crying so hard that I couldn't talk, or breathe, head in my hands and tears falling to the floor. It was at that moment that I realized how much I loved this baby, this tiny little person who I had never met or seen. Everyone says that you don't understand love until you have a child, and it's really true. The thought of losing him was unbearable. I don't think my parents or brothers had ever seen me like that, and I think it scared them.

Obviously, things turned out perfectly, but my pregnancy involved hospitalization, medication, lots of monitoring, and 16 weeks of some form of bedrest or activity restriction. Thinking back to that night makes me realize how thankful I am for a healthy baby and for the opportunity he has given me to love in a way that I never knew was possible. I love you, little man. You are the light of my life and I will forever be grateful to be your mom.

Training

Today I started training for the half marathon I'll be running in June! I'm freaking nervous about taking on such a huge physical challenge this soon after having a baby, especially because I wasn't allowed to work out for the last half of my pregnancy and I feel like my strength and stamina took a hit. But, I've done harder things and I know I'll be glad I decided to take on this challenge when I cross the finish line. And to inspire myself a little, a picture of the last (and only) half marathon I ran in July 2011.

Easy

I was 21 years old and newly married. Josh and I were both going to school full-time, working full-time, and we both had church callings. He was studying for the LSAT and we were figuring out which law schools we wanted him to apply to. We were living in an old house that always seemed to have something wrong with it in a sketchy area. We lived there in order to save money so that we could pay off my car and save as much as possible in preparation for law school, which we knew would cost a significant amount of money.

I remember feeling really overwhelmed with responsibility at this phase of my life, especially as I paid attention to my co-workers and classmates who were around my age. Many of them were going to school or working, but not both. None of them were dealing with the challenges of the first year of marriage. They weren't concerned about an LSAT score or impending six-figure student loan debt. At the time I felt like it was a lot to handle at 21.

Packing up to that very old house to move for law school, 2010

I look back at that time now and realize how easy things were then. Our life now is the best it's ever been, but it involves more work and more responsibility.  It's more challenging. The funny thing is that when I was struggling with feelings of being overwhelmed at 21, I would think, "Wow, a few years ago things were so easy and I didn't even realize it".  My point here is that as we pursue new goals and take on additional responsibilities, life is obviously going to get harder. When I'm feeling challenged or overwhelmed, I need to remind myself to appreciate how much easier my life is now than I imagine it will be in a few years when we have more children, a house, additional financial responsibilities, and Josh spends more time away from home. One day, when we look back at this time in our lives, we're going to realize how simple it really was. I just want to appreciate that simplicity now, while I'm living it, instead of focusing my attention on the challenges we're currently facing.

Becoming a Mother

"The most difficult part of birth is the first year afterwards. It is the year of travail when the soul of a woman must birth the mother inside of her. The emotional labor pains of becoming a mother are far greater than the physical pangs of birth. These are the growing surges of your heart as it pushes out selfishness and fear and makes room for sacrifice and love. It is a private and silent birth of the soul, but no less holy than the event of childbirth. Perhaps it is even more sacred." -Joy Kusek

Although a little mushy, I almost cried when I read this. Being a mom is the best thing I've ever done, even though I'm only 4 months into it. It's challenging. It's rewarding. I love taking care of Noah. I love that I get to spend all day with him. I'm obsessed with his smile and the little personality that is slowly emerging. I feel like this, what I'm doing right now, is what matters most. It's what life is all about.

I've been surprised, though, by how often I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. I didn't realize how complicated caring for a baby could be...or maybe I make it more complicated than it needs to be. Is he hungry? Overfed? Is he tired? Is it reflux? Is he bored? Overstimulated? Why isn't he sleeping? Too light? Wrong type of white noise? Should I have used a different swaddle blanket? I'm asking myself questions like this every day. I spend a lot of my free time reading books, scouring websites, trying to figure out what I can do to make sure that Noah is getting the best of everything...that I'm doing everything right.

I'm not making monumental mistakes here. I just feel like my standards are so high that feelings of guilt and inadequacy are inevitable. I guess I'm still trying to figure out how to be a good mom without setting impossibly high standards. How to balance Noah's needs with my own. How to accept that mistakes are inevitable. I guess it just feels good to know that it's all part of the process.

Noah's Birth Story

After being monitored for a short cervix from 20 weeks and then being hospitalized for preterm labor at 33 weeks, we were pretty sure Noah would make his arrival before his due date. I was put on strict bedrest for two weeks after getting out of the hospital and was put on nifedipine to stop the contractions. I was actually surprised that I didn't go into labor immediately after coming off bedrest and the medication and told Josh I would be shocked if we made it past 38 weeks. 

We went to my 38 week checkup on November 14th and the first thing my nurse, Benny, said to me is that she was shocked I was still pregnant. I went to the bathroom to do my urine sample and heard a sort of popping sound. Something started leaking so I ran back to the exam room to tell Benny. The doctor came in to check me and verified that my water had indeed broken and I was dilated to 5 CM! We were all so excited!

We were admitted to L & D and my doctor told us that we would start talking about pitocin if contractions hadn't started by 6 pm. We had taken Hypnobirthing (childbirth classes that focus on preparing for a natural birth) and our goal was to have an unmedicated birth, so from about 2 to 4:30 we tried a few different things to get contractions started, including walking and rolling around on a birth ball. The contractions started in a normal pattern around 5 o'clock, about a minute long and a few minutes apart and that probably lasted for about an hour. They quickly picked up and got to 2-3 minutes long with very short breaks in between. Sometimes a new contraction would start just as the last one was starting to die down and they were strong. It was definitely overwhelming. 

Around 7, Dr. Arhcibald asked if he could check my cervix because the contractions were so close together and so intense. I was devastated when he told me I was only at a 6. I felt like my body had been doing WAY more work than that and I couldn't imagine doing what I had just done for hours and hours. He said that I was 90% effaced and that I would probably progress more quickly from that point on. After that I got in the tub and things just got more intense. My nurse Chetan had given birth to her child naturally using hypnobirthing techniques and she was incredible! She kept reminding me to breathe and relax and told me that she rarely saw moms as in control as I was, which definitely made me feel better. At some point I started crying and told her I didn't know if I could do it and she reminded that I was doing it.  I started to feel an overwhelming urge to push around that time so Chetan decided to see if I had made any progress. She checked me and immediately pulled the emergency cord in the bathroom. Then she said, "Breanne, look at me. The baby is right there and you NEED to stop pushing so we can get you to the bed". I told her I couldn't stop pushing and she assured me that I could, I just needed to breathe through it. She helped me breathe through the rest of the contraction and we quickly moved to the bed before the next one started. I had progressed from 6 CM to 10 in less than an hour.

Things got a little chaotic at this point. My doctor was on a conference call because he thought he had enough time. Because of how quickly everything happened, the doctor on call took a few minutes to get to the room, so we had another doctor and multiple residents and nurses rush into the room. I thought that having so many people in the room would bother me but I didn't care about anything else at that point. I pushed for about 10 minutes and he was born at exactly 8 pm with his arm next to his head! Meeting Noah for the first time was the most incredible experience! He came out crying but quickly calmed down and just hung out and looked around. He was so alert! He was seven pounds even and 19.5 inches long. Giving birth was a challenging but incredible experience and I'm so grateful that things went so smoothly and that Noah is in perfect health!

On a side note, I would highly recommend Hypnobirthing classes to anyone looking to have a natural birth. The reading, classes, and exercises taught me to relax my body completely and gave me confidence in my ability to give birth without medical intervention. You can visit here for more information or to find a class in your area.