Baby Love

I was 20 weeks pregnant. My family was in town and we had just learned the day before that the sweet baby I was carrying was a boy. It felt so good to know what our little family would look like come November. It felt real, and I felt even more connected to him. Around this time we had also discovered that I had a shortened cervix, which put some limitations on my activity and would require me to have biweekly ultrasounds.

19 Weeks

After spending all day visiting family friends, we came back to our apartment and I started preparing dinner. That's when the cramping started. I tried to ignore it but it kept getting worse. I have this thing where I don't like for people (even my family) to see me cry or struggle in any way. It's a major flaw. So, I went into our bedroom so that I could panic and cry privately. Josh followed me in and asked what was going in. He told me to rest and that he would make dinner and we decided to call the doctor. We left a message, I pulled myself together and we went back out to join my family. 

The doctor called back and told me to head to triage immediately. By this time, about an hour had passed since the cramping had started and the worry had been building. I absolutely lost it. Like, crying so hard that I couldn't talk, or breathe, head in my hands and tears falling to the floor. It was at that moment that I realized how much I loved this baby, this tiny little person who I had never met or seen. Everyone says that you don't understand love until you have a child, and it's really true. The thought of losing him was unbearable. I don't think my parents or brothers had ever seen me like that, and I think it scared them.

Obviously, things turned out perfectly, but my pregnancy involved hospitalization, medication, lots of monitoring, and 16 weeks of some form of bedrest or activity restriction. Thinking back to that night makes me realize how thankful I am for a healthy baby and for the opportunity he has given me to love in a way that I never knew was possible. I love you, little man. You are the light of my life and I will forever be grateful to be your mom.