Becoming a Mother

"The most difficult part of birth is the first year afterwards. It is the year of travail when the soul of a woman must birth the mother inside of her. The emotional labor pains of becoming a mother are far greater than the physical pangs of birth. These are the growing surges of your heart as it pushes out selfishness and fear and makes room for sacrifice and love. It is a private and silent birth of the soul, but no less holy than the event of childbirth. Perhaps it is even more sacred." -Joy Kusek

Although a little mushy, I almost cried when I read this. Being a mom is the best thing I've ever done, even though I'm only 4 months into it. It's challenging. It's rewarding. I love taking care of Noah. I love that I get to spend all day with him. I'm obsessed with his smile and the little personality that is slowly emerging. I feel like this, what I'm doing right now, is what matters most. It's what life is all about.

I've been surprised, though, by how often I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. I didn't realize how complicated caring for a baby could be...or maybe I make it more complicated than it needs to be. Is he hungry? Overfed? Is he tired? Is it reflux? Is he bored? Overstimulated? Why isn't he sleeping? Too light? Wrong type of white noise? Should I have used a different swaddle blanket? I'm asking myself questions like this every day. I spend a lot of my free time reading books, scouring websites, trying to figure out what I can do to make sure that Noah is getting the best of everything...that I'm doing everything right.

I'm not making monumental mistakes here. I just feel like my standards are so high that feelings of guilt and inadequacy are inevitable. I guess I'm still trying to figure out how to be a good mom without setting impossibly high standards. How to balance Noah's needs with my own. How to accept that mistakes are inevitable. I guess it just feels good to know that it's all part of the process.