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| Cousin Sienna |
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| Easter egg hunt at Grandma and Grandpa's |
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Becoming a Mother
"The most difficult part of birth is the first year afterwards. It is the year of travail when the soul of a woman must birth the mother inside of her. The emotional labor pains of becoming a mother are far greater than the physical pangs of birth. These are the growing surges of your heart as it pushes out selfishness and fear and makes room for sacrifice and love. It is a private and silent birth of the soul, but no less holy than the event of childbirth. Perhaps it is even more sacred." -Joy Kusek
Although a little mushy, I almost cried when I read this. Being a mom is the best thing I've ever done, even though I'm only 4 months into it. It's challenging. It's rewarding. I love taking care of Noah. I love that I get to spend all day with him. I'm obsessed with his smile and the little personality that is slowly emerging. I feel like this, what I'm doing right now, is what matters most. It's what life is all about.
I've been surprised, though, by how often I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. I didn't realize how complicated caring for a baby could be...or maybe I make it more complicated than it needs to be. Is he hungry? Overfed? Is he tired? Is it reflux? Is he bored? Overstimulated? Why isn't he sleeping? Too light? Wrong type of white noise? Should I have used a different swaddle blanket? I'm asking myself questions like this every day. I spend a lot of my free time reading books, scouring websites, trying to figure out what I can do to make sure that Noah is getting the best of everything...that I'm doing everything right.
I'm not making monumental mistakes here. I just feel like my standards are so high that feelings of guilt and inadequacy are inevitable. I guess I'm still trying to figure out how to be a good mom without setting impossibly high standards. How to balance Noah's needs with my own. How to accept that mistakes are inevitable. I guess it just feels good to know that it's all part of the process.
Although a little mushy, I almost cried when I read this. Being a mom is the best thing I've ever done, even though I'm only 4 months into it. It's challenging. It's rewarding. I love taking care of Noah. I love that I get to spend all day with him. I'm obsessed with his smile and the little personality that is slowly emerging. I feel like this, what I'm doing right now, is what matters most. It's what life is all about.
I've been surprised, though, by how often I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. I didn't realize how complicated caring for a baby could be...or maybe I make it more complicated than it needs to be. Is he hungry? Overfed? Is he tired? Is it reflux? Is he bored? Overstimulated? Why isn't he sleeping? Too light? Wrong type of white noise? Should I have used a different swaddle blanket? I'm asking myself questions like this every day. I spend a lot of my free time reading books, scouring websites, trying to figure out what I can do to make sure that Noah is getting the best of everything...that I'm doing everything right.
I'm not making monumental mistakes here. I just feel like my standards are so high that feelings of guilt and inadequacy are inevitable. I guess I'm still trying to figure out how to be a good mom without setting impossibly high standards. How to balance Noah's needs with my own. How to accept that mistakes are inevitable. I guess it just feels good to know that it's all part of the process.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Knocked Up
A year ago today, we found out I was pregnant with our little bambino. It was only our second month of trying but I wanted a baby so badly. The morning of the 20th, I woke up because I heard Josh leaving for school and I took a test. I was super sleepy, so when a second line hadn't appeared after a couple of minutes, I tossed it into the trash can and went back to bed.
A few hours later, I went into the bathroom and noticed that the test, lying face up in the trash can, had a faint second line. I wasn't sure if it was even valid still because of how many hours had passed. I had class all day but spent every break I had on the internet trying to figure out if a second line even meant anything a few hours after the test had been taken. Most of what I read said it was valid. I was so excited but trying to contain myself because I didn't want to get my hopes up.
After Josh and I both got home from school, I told him what had happened and that I was going to take another test. He rolled his eyes and told me I was crazy (to say I'd had a few "OMG I swear I'm pregnant" moments throughout our almost-three year marriage would be a massive understatement). Because of that previous maybe-positive, I took 2 tests, a digital and a regular. A girl needs to know for sure, right?
After going downstairs and distracting myself for a few minutes, I returned to the bathroom to two lines and a 'Pregnant'. I looked back and forth between the two in absolute disbelief and yelled downstairs, "Josh....it's positive! It's positive!!!!" He kept his voice calm, saying something like, "Well, now, let's take a look", but I could hear him tripping over things and sprinting up the stairs...obviously not at all calm.
Before I knew it he was standing next to me, looking at the two tests. "Am I delusional? Am I seeing things? Do you see what I see? Two lines? Pregnant? Do you see it? Am I crazy?" flew out of my mouth. I don't remember what he said, or if he said anything at all. I just remember him looking at me, with happy tears in his eyes, and then hugging me. And we spent the next couple of weeks in a happy daze, feeling like it was just too good to be true. And a year later, we look at little Noah, happy, healthy, smiling, growing, bringing so much joy to our lives, and it still feels too good to be true.
A few hours later, I went into the bathroom and noticed that the test, lying face up in the trash can, had a faint second line. I wasn't sure if it was even valid still because of how many hours had passed. I had class all day but spent every break I had on the internet trying to figure out if a second line even meant anything a few hours after the test had been taken. Most of what I read said it was valid. I was so excited but trying to contain myself because I didn't want to get my hopes up.
After Josh and I both got home from school, I told him what had happened and that I was going to take another test. He rolled his eyes and told me I was crazy (to say I'd had a few "OMG I swear I'm pregnant" moments throughout our almost-three year marriage would be a massive understatement). Because of that previous maybe-positive, I took 2 tests, a digital and a regular. A girl needs to know for sure, right?
After going downstairs and distracting myself for a few minutes, I returned to the bathroom to two lines and a 'Pregnant'. I looked back and forth between the two in absolute disbelief and yelled downstairs, "Josh....it's positive! It's positive!!!!" He kept his voice calm, saying something like, "Well, now, let's take a look", but I could hear him tripping over things and sprinting up the stairs...obviously not at all calm.
Before I knew it he was standing next to me, looking at the two tests. "Am I delusional? Am I seeing things? Do you see what I see? Two lines? Pregnant? Do you see it? Am I crazy?" flew out of my mouth. I don't remember what he said, or if he said anything at all. I just remember him looking at me, with happy tears in his eyes, and then hugging me. And we spent the next couple of weeks in a happy daze, feeling like it was just too good to be true. And a year later, we look at little Noah, happy, healthy, smiling, growing, bringing so much joy to our lives, and it still feels too good to be true.
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| First ultrasound at 9 weeks |
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