Easter

Cousin Sienna

Easter egg hunt at Grandma and Grandpa's

Becoming a Mother

"The most difficult part of birth is the first year afterwards. It is the year of travail when the soul of a woman must birth the mother inside of her. The emotional labor pains of becoming a mother are far greater than the physical pangs of birth. These are the growing surges of your heart as it pushes out selfishness and fear and makes room for sacrifice and love. It is a private and silent birth of the soul, but no less holy than the event of childbirth. Perhaps it is even more sacred." -Joy Kusek

Although a little mushy, I almost cried when I read this. Being a mom is the best thing I've ever done, even though I'm only 4 months into it. It's challenging. It's rewarding. I love taking care of Noah. I love that I get to spend all day with him. I'm obsessed with his smile and the little personality that is slowly emerging. I feel like this, what I'm doing right now, is what matters most. It's what life is all about.

I've been surprised, though, by how often I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. I didn't realize how complicated caring for a baby could be...or maybe I make it more complicated than it needs to be. Is he hungry? Overfed? Is he tired? Is it reflux? Is he bored? Overstimulated? Why isn't he sleeping? Too light? Wrong type of white noise? Should I have used a different swaddle blanket? I'm asking myself questions like this every day. I spend a lot of my free time reading books, scouring websites, trying to figure out what I can do to make sure that Noah is getting the best of everything...that I'm doing everything right.

I'm not making monumental mistakes here. I just feel like my standards are so high that feelings of guilt and inadequacy are inevitable. I guess I'm still trying to figure out how to be a good mom without setting impossibly high standards. How to balance Noah's needs with my own. How to accept that mistakes are inevitable. I guess it just feels good to know that it's all part of the process.

Knocked Up

A year ago today, we found out I was pregnant with our little bambino. It was only our second month of trying but I wanted a baby so badly. The morning of the 20th, I woke up because I heard Josh leaving for school and I took a test. I was super sleepy, so when a second line hadn't appeared after a couple of minutes, I tossed it into the trash can and went back to bed.

A few hours later, I went into the bathroom and noticed that the test, lying face up in the trash can, had a faint second line. I wasn't sure if it was even valid still because of how many hours had passed. I had class all day but spent every break I had on the internet trying to figure out if a second line  even meant anything a few hours after the test had been taken. Most of what I read said it was valid. I was so excited but trying to contain myself because I didn't want to get my hopes up.

After Josh and I  both got home from school, I told him what had happened and that I was going to take another test. He rolled his eyes and told me I was crazy (to say I'd had a few "OMG I swear I'm pregnant" moments throughout our almost-three year marriage would be a massive understatement). Because of that previous maybe-positive, I took 2 tests, a digital and a regular. A girl needs to know for sure, right?

After going downstairs and distracting myself for a few minutes, I returned to the bathroom to two lines and a 'Pregnant'. I looked back and forth between the two in absolute disbelief and yelled downstairs, "Josh....it's positive! It's positive!!!!" He kept his voice calm, saying something like, "Well, now, let's take a look", but I could hear him tripping over things and sprinting up the stairs...obviously not at all calm.

Before I knew it he was standing next to me, looking at the two tests. "Am I delusional? Am I seeing things? Do you see what I see? Two lines? Pregnant? Do you see it? Am I crazy?" flew out of my mouth. I don't remember what he said, or if he said anything at all. I just remember him looking at me, with happy tears in his eyes, and then hugging me. And we spent the next couple of weeks in a happy daze, feeling like it was just too good to be true. And a year later, we look at little Noah, happy, healthy, smiling, growing, bringing so much joy to our lives, and it still feels too good to be true.

First ultrasound at 9 weeks

Noah's 4 Month Update

Ahhh!!!! Where is the time going? It sounds so cliche, but I can't believe how old Noah is and how quickly the last four months have gone! Sometimes I just look at him and cry because I feel like this is all going to be over before we know it. I LOVE spending my days with Noah. I'm so grateful that I'm able to stay home with him. I love having a sweet little buddy with me all day. You know the saying, "The grass is always greener on the other side"? Well, for Josh and I at least, the grass of parenthood really is "greener". WAY more challenging, but greener. I feel like we're the luckiest people on the planet and Noah has honestly made our lives so much happier and more meaningful (another cliche, I know). Anyways....onto what's been going on with Noah this last month.

He has a new awareness of his body. He's always chewing on his hands and he's started reaching for things and touching things while he's looking at them. He's also fascinated by his feet when he notices them. He'll just stare at them in amazement...so cute.

He also loves to sit up (assisted, of course) and is getting stronger every day. He's also started to really enjoy tummy time.

He's started moving a lot more! When we unswaddle him when he wakes up in the morning, his arms and legs go flying all over the place, to the point where I'm like uh, don't hurt yourself there. He also arches his back and kind of pushes off the ground and moves around a little bit.

Our little mover. He was where the monkey is laying when I got in the shower. This is what I found when I got out.

He's getting chunky and is in size 2 diapers and 3-6 month clothes. At his 4 month appointment he was 15 pounds, 6 ounces and a little over 25 inches long.

We think we're making progress with his carseat, finally! Noah has generally hated his carseat, but has been doing a lot better since we took out the infant head control piece. I think it' s because he's able to move his head more and can look around.

We're still dealing with the "45 minute intruder" at naptime, which has been going on for three months now! The list of things I've done in an attempt to fix this would amaze you, so I won't go there.  But, the last week or so, one of his naps each day has been anywhere 1.5 to 3 hours!

Still taking daily walks in the baby carrier (love that thing!).

Rockin the shades on our walk.

Snoozin' in the baby carrier

We were also able to spend some time outside this month. He loved it!

This month also included a visit from the grandparents

and Noah's first hike.

And just for kicks...

Things I Never Want to Forget

-When I was pregnant, Noah reacted strongly to Josh's voice. He would be still for hours, and then Josh would come into the room and start talking and he'd go nuts. He didn't do this when I talked, or when other people talked, just when Josh did. Like most newborns, Noah was alert when he was born and within an hour or so fell asleep. He slept a ton that night (and didn't open his eyes when I fed him every few hours). The next day, we were so excited to finally see him awake again. I was holding him out away from me so that we could both look at him and he just kind of sat there while I was talking to him. When Josh started talking, though, Noah's eyes got huge and he slowly turned his head to look at him. Noah just sat there, those eyes so big and looking so amazed, like "Wow, that's the guy I've been listening to all this time". It was so sweet to see my two boys connecting like that.

In the hospital

-Noah was just shy of six weeks old. We had seen lots of sleep smiles, but nothing we could for sure say was the real deal. I was holding him as he was falling asleep and looked down at him. We made eye contact, I smiled, he smiled back at me, and I knew for sure it was the real thing. There's nothing in the world that compares to the feeling I get when I see him smile, even though it probably happens thirty times a day now. It never gets old, and I always want to remember that first time.

-A couple of weeks ago, Noah woke up in the middle of the night and was having a hard time falling back to sleep. Not crying, just kind of squirming and grunting. I reached over the side of the bed and put my hand on his chest. His little hand, that he had broken out of his swaddle, moved around a few times until it found mine. He instantly relaxed and fell asleep with his hand resting on mine. It made me feel good that all he needed was to know that his mama was there.